It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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