That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
