well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
