Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
