So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
fuck your aforementioned shoe
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
