She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
