i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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