Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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