Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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