I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You are a genius and a whore.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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