if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
