life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
