I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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