Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
