Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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