I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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