I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
i need some magic done to my vagina
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
