Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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