I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize