apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
