You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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