You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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