I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
