you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just had sex on a roof
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
