Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
