had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
