Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
