Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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