So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Randomize
