Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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