No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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