Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
