New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
