dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
