he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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