It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
well most of my day revolves around power hour
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize