dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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