the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You did what with his pubic hair?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize