Tell her she can't have a vagina
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
