I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
