ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
