i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
