I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
