Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
