he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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