I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
