Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
