saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
