He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize