omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize