Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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