We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
