I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
