I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
