census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I think I sprained my soul last night
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
