did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
