worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
