Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
