we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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